Do Friendships Matter?

    I enjoy reading. I’m usually in the middle of 2-3 books at a time. I tend to read a fiction or biography, a ministry or leadership related book, and some kind of a personal or devotional book, simultaneously. I’m currently reading a book about a gambling addict and how it destroyed his life and the lives of others (hence last week’s blog), a secular book on leadership and teamwork, a book on the church and global outreach, as well as rereading C.S. Lewis’s “Mere Christianity.”
    I thought about this long-standing practice of mine (since college days) and how it gives me a sense of balance in my life. At no time am I “totally into” just one way of thinking or the opinion of one author. Reading a broad range of material keeps me thinking for myself, and keeps me balanced. (Though whether or not I am ever “in-balance” is up for debate ☺).
    I try to do that with friendships as well. Many years ago, someone suggested, “You should always have a Barnabas, a Silas, a Timothy, and a John Mark.”
    Barnabas was a mentor to Paul. He took him in when he first became a believer and taught him, introducing him to other Christian friends as well. Silas was a peer. While Paul was the leader of the ministry, he and Silas were on the same level spiritually and as friends. They enjoyed each other's company. Timothy was a disciple of Paul (Paul was Timothy’s mentor as Barnabas had been to him). Paul encouraged Timothy, taught him, and told him to follow his example. Then there was John Mark. He was a project. He frustrated Paul (caused division between he and Barnabas)  and waffled between giving him grief and showing him promise. In the end, Mark came around for Paul, but in the early days, Paul was pretty frustrated with him, but he never gave up, altogether.
    We all need that kind of balance in our friendships.
    Do you have a Barnabas? Do you have a mentor, someone you look up to as a committed Christian who is an example to you? Do you have someone in your life who is “ahead of you," so to speak, who can give you good Biblical advice for your marriage, raising kids, job, etc., and maybe confront you when you need a loving rebuke?
    Do you have a Silas? A good friend with whom you just enjoy hanging around with, and someone who is positive peer pressure, who loves God in the way you do, encouraging you in your walk with Christ?
    How about a Timothy? Do you have a younger Christian or maybe a seeker whom you are intentionally leading by example, as well as words. Nothing helps us grow more rapidly than our helping others to grow.
    What about a John Mark? We all need a project or two (NOT more than that!) of those who might be frustrating and inconsistent, sometimes resistant, but someone we can invest in and bring to Christ or help grow. The difference between Timothys and Marks are in their response. Timothys are a joy! They listen, learn, and consistently grow. Marks are frustrating. They go up and down, back and forth. But they need us more than Timothys do, and both help us in our spiritual growth, giving us an opportunity to be like Jesus.
    If you have all Barnabases and Silases, you aren’t serving people and will accomplish little with your life. But if you have all Timothys and Marks, you’ll burn out and get discouraged. You need a good balance of all four.
    I don’t think it's healthy to have too many friends or too few. What we need is a good balance of the right kinds of friends. That has to be done on purpose. I’d encourage you to determine who you will invest time in, and make it a healthy balance among those who feed you, and those you are feeding. It’ll make all of your relationships a lot more meaningful!

Whose Money Are You Gambling?

    If you live in the northwest suburbs, you know that the eagerly sought after and long awaited Des Plaines River Casino is now open. There is a lot of excitement surrounding it, new jobs are available (for the benefit of some in our church), new business in the community is promised, and both casual and serious gamblers are happy to have entertainment so near. No doubt, this is a big deal for Des Plaines.
    But is this big deal good? Of course, there is a huge debate surrounding the economic impact casinos make on communities, including law enforcement issues, city services, fallout from addiction problems, etc. I’m not going to enter into that debate here. But as followers of Jesus who believe and profess to practice Biblical principles, there are some considerations we need to evaluate regarding gambling and whether or not we as Christians will participate.
    Is there anything wrong with gambling?
    Let me follow that question with a few to ask yourself….then you make the decision.
    First, is it your money to gamble? Do your possessions really belong to you, or are you entrusted as a steward of what ultimately belongs to God? I’m sure if I left my belongings in your care for a time, you would not take what is mine and risk it at a casino. I’ve known gambling addicts who not only would, but have done that repeatedly. But you are not an addict. You would never gamble what belongs to someone else. Then again, isn’t that what you are doing? As God’s people, all that is in our possession belongs to God. Is that what He wants you to do with His resources?
    Secondly, is there anything wrong with greed? Let’s face it, the fun of gambling is based on greed. That’s not a pleasant admission, but it is true. People say, “It’s the game we enjoy.” But really? If that were the case, huge card playing and coin flipping complexes (without the gambling) would be equally popular in areas where gambling is illegal. Would you get the same kind of entertainment from a place like that? The “gambling high” people experience come from the prospect of receiving a large windfall––of getting rich quick (and taking a risk to get it). While there are ancillary enjoyments in all the trimmings of the gambling world, greed is at the heart of it all. Come on, let’s just admit it. That’s where the thrill comes from. Is greed a part of your nature that you really want to feed?
    Thirdly, can you really win? I mean it….can you? You might have a good night now and then, but in the end, we all know, these billion dollar complexes are not funded by your winnings. But here’s the bigger part of that….when you do win, who is losing? It’s not the casino! The house always wins. Your winnings are on the backs of those who are losing, and many of them cannot afford to lose anything. Thousands of poor people foolishly flood to the casinos every day in hopes of a big win that would put an end to their destitution. When you win, they lose more….more so than the house. Would you still call that a win for you? If you are one who professes to follow Jesus, I would certainly hope not.
    I think that is the ultimate question with this issue as in all others. Who is Jesus to you? Is He your life-changing God who has given you new values, motives, desires and meaning? Or is he just a religious icon you pay a little homage to on Sundays, who hardly affects your daily choices….certainly not modes of entertainment. Who is Jesus to you? That’s the biggest question of all.

Are You a Sweeper?

    I turned the TV on last night while getting ready for bed and saw parts of an old rerun of King of Queens. In this episode, Carrie (the wife) learns that Doug’s (the husband) parents’ dog, Rocky, is 28 years old. Having a hard time believing that, she inquired further, only to learn from his mother that this particular dog was actually Rocky IV, who was only a few years old, unbeknownst to Doug. The previous three Rockys all died, but they didn’t want to "upset Doug", so they just replaced him….every time, and pretended the replacement to be the original. Carrie informed Doug, who in turn, became angry with her for revealing an unwelcomed truth. He explained that in his family, “We don’t talk about unpleasant or uncomfortable things.”
    “What do you do with the truth, then Doug?”
    “We sweep it under the rug, where it belongs!”
    With all the exaggeration for the sake of humor, the Heffernan family is not far from reality for many people. It’s amazing how many prefer to live a life of denial. Denial of their problems, their sin, their past, present and their future. It’s a lot easier in the short run to just deny that there is a problem. But in the long run, denial leads to a lifetime of destructive reactions and behavior. You can never solve a problem you are unwilling to acknowledge.
    Some years ago, I became more and more aware of disturbing attitudes and behaviors of two boys whose parents were very involved in our church, and personal friends of mine. I met with the parents on more than one occasion and shared my concerns, offering to help. The father was polite, the mother became increasingly annoyed. She eventually told me to “mind my own business.” I responded as I always do in that situation, explaining that I am an involved shepherd. Problems for sheep I’ve been given responsibility for are my concern. “If you don’t want me to be involved in your life, you should not attend the church where I am the shepherd, because I take this responsibility seriously.” They assured me their kids were fine and that it was my “parenting philosophy” that was the problem.
    I really wish the above story turned out differently (and many similar stories did). The last I knew, both boys became drug addicts while still in high school. Both were paying child support to women who they had never had a relationship with, other than the act of getting them pregnant. Neither had been able to hold a steady job or show any interest in God, in church or Christianity.  While I don’t blame the parents for the boys’ choices, the parents’ denial of apparent problems while these kids were young, and unwillingness to get help, led to their destruction.
    We all have problems. Pretending that everything is fine, or talking ourselves into believing “our problems” are not that serious, only exacerbates those problems. The first step to solving any problem is to acknowledge it, and then to be open to get help from godly people who can share Biblical solutions.
    If your marriage is in the early stages of trouble, now is the time to get help! If you are sensing difficulty in those early teen years, reach out for a godly parent who has gone through these years before you. If your spiritual zeal is starting to wane, open up to your life group (if you don’t have one––get in one!).
    We don’t come to church to impress each other! We come here for help...to give it and receive it! But you have to start by acknowledging the truth.

How Sharp Are You?

    In Liberating Ministry from the Success Syndrome, Kent Hughes told the following story:
    “Some years ago a young man approached the foreman of a logging crew and asked for a job. ‘That depends,’ replied the foreman. ‘Let’s see you fell this tree.’ The young man stepped forward and skillfully felled a great tree. Impressed, the foreman exclaimed, ‘Start Monday!’
    “Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday rolled by, and Thursday afternoon the foreman approached the young man and said, ‘You can pick up your paycheck on the way out today.’
    “Startled, he replied, ‘I thought you paid on Friday.’ ‘Normally we do,’ answered the foreman, ‘but we’re letting you go today because you’ve fallen behind. Our daily felling charts show that you’ve dropped from first place on Monday to last on Wednesday.’
    “‘But I’m a hard worker,’ the young man objected. ‘I arrive first, leave last, and even have worked through my coffee breaks!’
    “The foreman, sensing the boy’s integrity thought for a minute and then asked, ‘Have you been sharpening your ax?’
    “The young man replied, ‘I’ve been working too hard to take the time.’”
    The lumberjack was given another chance and having re-sharpened his ax, once again exceeded all other workers. It’s amazing the difference a little sharpening makes!
    I work too often with a dull ax. Prayer is hard for me. I have to work harder at spending extended time in prayer than anything else. I don’t always feel like praying. But when I let it go, my work becomes inefficient and I use up more energy while getting less accomplished; I become more easily discouraged and I lose sight of the nature of my work.
    Have you been sharpening your ax? Is it a priority to you to keep your life at peak efficiency or is praying near the end of your daily agenda. What about corporate prayer? Is prayer a priority in your life group or an after thought? 
    Jim Elliot, a missionary slain by the Auca Indians in the 1950's, once said: “God is still on His throne and man is still on his footstool. There's only a knee's distance in between.” After his life was taken, his prayer for the Aucas was answered. Jim’s wife, Elizabeth Elliot, returned to the Auca tribe and witnessed hundreds of conversions due to her husband’s testimony and prayers. Today there are thriving indigenous churches in that region.
    God delights in answering the cries of our hearts. But we must have the faith and commitment to go before Him believing He hears and answers prayer. Don’t let a day go by without it! Otherwise, you are chopping wood with a dull ax.

Love Will NOT Keep You Together!

    Twenty-seven years ago this very moment (as I am typing), I was in the middle of making a life-long eternity altering commitment. I said, “I do” and Linda said the same. Not too long after that, my groomsmen tackled me and literally locked a ball and chain on to my ankle! I went through most of the rest of that afternoon carrying the ball and chain….and asking people for the key to get it unlocked!
    But, I want you to know, Linda, I have never thought of our marriage as bondage!
    It is, however, a commitment. And through these twenty-seven years, that has been what has kept us together. We never bought into Captain & Tennille’s thinking: “Love Will Keep Us Together” (actually written by Neil Sadaka for those into Trivia). You know what they call couples who are kept together by love? DIVORCED!
    I love Linda more than I could express. I didn’t even know love like this was possible when Linda and I were first married. But that is NOT what has kept us together.
    The feelings of love come and go. If love was to keep us together, Linda would have left me sometime in year two. And honestly, both of us would have bolted at multiple points if we were relying on our feelings to build or preserve our marriage. We knew when we got married that our feeble emotions were unreliable and in need of stronger bonding agents to make them work correctly. I’m really glad that both of us were taught that before we started our lives together. The idea of separating or divorcing was never brought up in a single argument, and not even considered by either one of us, ever. It was just not part of the equation. Linda has been quoted to say, “Murder might be an option, but divorce, never.” I think she was joking but I’ve not been interested in finding out for sure :-).
    In truth, I didn’t really know what I was getting in a wife when she agreed to marry me. I’m sure Linda didn’t know what she was getting in a husband, either (or I’d still be single). I think we both turned out to be different than what we thought each other to be….we were young, had blinders on, and the nature of dating is pretty deceptive. I’m not sure I’m the guy Linda thought she loved when we were dating and engaged. But the kind of love from God that flows from commitment (not just commitment to stay together, but commitment to the well-being of each other), does not dependent on personality or life-stage. It moves and circulates through life with the couple and strengthens in intensity and passion. The feelings, like with all people, move up and down, making it fun, challenging and rewarding. But the feelings are results, not causes of a good marriage. Linda and I enjoy strong feelings for each other today, because we stood at an altar twenty seven years ago, and before God, our friends and family, committed our whole beings to one another for the rest of our lives. It worked because we meant it!
    I love you Linda! Thanks for taking the risk!

Can You Trust How You Feel?

    It’s good that we have emotions. Without them, we’d be like Spock from Star Trek. How miserable it would be to never experience joy. Of course, you wouldn’t know it was miserable because you wouldn’t be able to feel misery either. But without our emotions, we wouldn’t be human.
    We get our emotions from God. After all, we were created in His image, and He has emotions. The Scripture speaks of His joy, anger, grief, happiness, passion and sympathy. We are emotional beings, having been created in His image.
    So emotions are good, right? Yes, so long as they serve us and do not dominate us.
    I just learned of a friend that I had known many years ago as a young man, who committed suicide several months ago. I was grieved. I had reconnected with him on Facebook a couple of years ago and knew he had small children, a good job, and an apparently decent life. I knew him to be intelligent and talented, spiritually minded, exhibiting a commitment to loving and serving God. But he was given to emotional ups and downs. He’d laugh often and weep at least as often. I remember wondering which Dave I would encounter on any given day….the “up” Dave or the “down” Dave. And in most conversations, he would reference something about his feelings at the moment. Despite all that he had going for him, he tended to be dominated by his emotions. He made decisions based on his feelings, which hurt him often. When you do that, your emotions become your master and they tend to spiral out of control, especially in the wake of multiple bad decisions made by those dominating and unreliable feelings. Now this man has left a young family to live with the grief of his loss because his emotions became his master.
    Some of the smartest and most gifted people I know have done little with their lives due to emotional instability. They may not have committed suicide, but they commit career or relationship suicide (often both). The most successful people I know (in business, marriage, child-training, life) are not necessarily the brightest or most talented, but they do tend to be in control of how they feel. They make decisions based on wisdom and not by the whim of their fluctuating “gut”. While their feelings support their lives, they do not allow their emotions to overwhelm their thinking and steer them in an unwise direction.
    Daniel Goleman wrote a book on the subject entitled, “Emotional Intelligence” with the subtitle, “Why it can matter more than IQ”. His research documents how success is impacted more by a person’s ability to use his emotions for his benefit, rather than erratically directed by oscillating feelings. Emotions are important for success. People who are passionate do better in life. But those who are unable to discipline their feelings are usually destroyed by the dark side of those passions.
    So, can you trust your emotions? Not really. It’s good to let your gut (which is more intuitive memory/experience than feelings) interact with your thinking. But anytime you make a decision when emotionally high or low, you will probably later regret that choice. Emotions are great servants but terrible masters.
    Instead, trust God and the wisdom of His Word. Seek counsel and advice and take time when making decisions. Think it through and do the right thing, while loving others even when you don’t feel like it. When you live this way, your feelings follow and become wonderful companions.

Be Careful Who You Ask for Help

    Poor guy. He made his dream escape! And it’s not easy to escape from the Washington State Penitentiary. It took a lot of planning, perfect timing and hard work. But he did it! Then, however, he had to elude authorities. After spending a day on the run, without food or shelter, he came across a cabin in the woods. Perfect! If the place is unoccupied, it would be a chance to catch up on a little sleep, maybe scrounge up some food. If someone is home, he could subdue them, get their money, use their phone to call a buddy, maybe get the car keys. So he knocks on the door….footsteps….door opens….and standing before him is one of his prison guards on vacation. I’m sure both were a bit surprised to see each other, the guard not even knowing about the escape. A short scuffle ensued, but the end result is James Russell is once again behind bars.
    Be careful who you ask for help. Sometimes the people you go to will only make things worse. Once while traveling, I stopped and asked for directions. I thought I was given credible advice, but the person sent me to a nearby town. When I finally found what I was looking for, it was less than a block from the station I had stopped at looking for help.
    The Bible tells us that “many advisors bring success” (Proverbs 15:22 NLT). But not all advice is equal and not all people are equally qualified to give advice. Maybe that’s why Proverbs tells us to get lots of it. Larry Burkett used to say, “A wise man looks for counsel; a foolish man listens to all of it.” You wouldn’t want to depend on me for advice on decorating your living room or landscaping your backyard. But at the same time, you shouldn’t depend on the world’s advice, no matter how much education they have, on spiritual matters, such as building a strong marriage or raising godly kids. When you consider the state of the secular world, looking for advice from the supposed experts is like the time my dad asked a French man for directions while in Germany. Neither spoke German, nor did they understand each other.
    But God does give answers to life’s most necessary questions. His Word contains all that is necessary for “life and godliness” (2 Peter 1:3). Much of it will contradict the conventional wisdom of this world. But then again, the conventional wisdom of this world isn’t working out too well, is it. So when looking for counsel, find godly people who know the Word and are living it out in their own lives, and take to heart what they have to say.
    When I think of James Russell and his near escape from incarceration last week, I can’t help but think of Paul’s words to the Galatian believers, “So now that you know God (or should I say, now that God knows you), why do you want to go back again and become slaves once more to the weak and useless spiritual principles of this world” (Galatians 4:9 NLT)?